Listen up, you’re not broken, you’ve just quit the game for the easy path
You wake up every day flogging yourself for not scoring points in the sexual Olympics while everyone else gets gold medals. Bro, this isn’t a medal ceremony—it’s a war zone. You’re standing in the enemy’s territory with a bamboo sword and expecting to carve up a tank.
Story Time: Prince Charming’s Quest for a Woman’s Heart
You think Prince Lír from The Last Unicorn was cool for slaying 15 black knights? That fool fought like a drunk MMA challenger until he learned women aren’t won by showing off your trophy case. You’re doing the same, thinking your GPA, grocery cashier job, or family caretaker status is your winning combo. Spoiler: It ain’t.
Wake Up, You’re Building an Army of One
You say you don’t form healthy bonds outside work? That’s your death sentence. Relationships don’t start with Tinder photos—they start with showing up, no-strings-attached. You act like people owe you connections while you hide in your comfort zone, and then cry when no one shows up to your pity party.
You Think Your Flaws Are a List? Try Survival Mode
You think your lack of a car or college degree is your flaw? Get real. That’s just your current weapon arsenal missing a few guns. No one says you gotta flex a Lamborghini to be worthy. Millions live with their folks while grinding—stop pretending it’s a failure when it’s just your survival tactic.
Here’s the Blueprint: Build Your Warband First
Stop playing “fix-my-relationship” chess and start building your warband. Find people who’ll laugh at your jokes even when they bomb—start at work, join a gym, or find a hobby crew. Real relationships aren’t curated—they’re earned by showing up, every damn day. You want sex? Your first conquest is convincing someone to share a beer with a stranger.
Internet Survival Tip: Cut the Parasites
Your phone is a parasite farm. Incels don’t exist—they’re just men too cowardly to cut their umbilical cord to online toxicity. Every forum comment saying “women hate you” is a loaded gun to your ego. Walk away from the madness and stop letting strangers decide what you’re worth.
Quick Fire Survival Gear
- Open a savings account. Now. Start with $50/week for gas money and first/last rent. Tangible progress kills brain weasels.
- Train your mouth faster than your body. Practice the 3-second rule: No answer? Stay silent. No joke? Change the subject.
- Take a therapist’s name, not a therapist’s wallet. Find someone who’ll call your “I’m a loser” BS and help you rewrite it.
Bonus: Haircut 101 for Men Who Want to Stop Looking Like a Generic Wall
Step 1: Stop Talking Like a Kid
Telling your barber you “want something from Midnight Mass and What We Do in the Shadows” is like saying you want a house from Game of Thrones. Your barber isn’t a crystal ball—unless you’re paying for time, don’t waste their focus on vague nonsense.
Step 2: Treat a Haircut like a Weapon
Salons aren’t “women’s places”—they’re the battlefield for quality cuts. Find one with Instagram galleries and reviews that say “game-changer.” Book a slot, bring 3 photo references, and describe your hair type like you’re describing a tank’s armor: density, texture, growth patterns.
Step 3: Learn the Code or Pay the Price
“Fade? Taper? Dangly?” Your barber isn’t mindreading. Learn terms like texturizing (layers that don’t fall like a sack of bricks) and contouring (hiding your forehead in style). Ask for a “mid-back guard” if you want hair that doesn’t look like a squirrel built your fringe.
Final Shot: You’re Not Incel, You’re Just a Soldier Who Forgot How to Fight
Grow your balls before you grow out your beard. The real war starts when you stop explaining your failures and start executing solutions. You want to stop being “incel”? Your first kill is the part of you that thinks you’re not enough. Now. Go bleed, then come back as a beast.