Stinking Up the Whole Squad: How to Tell a Brother His Ass is a Biohazard
Bro, this ain’t about being a jerk. This is war. If you’re reading this, you’ve already lost the first battle — you’re trying to reason with a man who thinks “washed clothes” is a luxury. That’s like bringing a butter knife to a steel yard fight.
Why the Hell Is This Hard?
Let me guess — he won’t even take a damned shower unless someone yells in his face. You’re stuck between wanting to punch him and needing to survive the same room. He’s a walking open wound, and you’re the meat shield trying to protect humanity. But there’s a reason we don’t take un-showered strangers on road trips. Your brother’s hygiene’s a full-on invasion tactic.
What His "Low Maintenance" Bullshit Really Means
Don’t buy his "I’m just not a personal care type of guy" line. That’s not self-awareness — that’s a red flag with a flagpole. If he’s 35 and still packs a suitcase with three shirts and one pair of socks, he’s not “simple” — he’s broken. It’s not about money, it’s about power. He’s decided that discomfort is his middle name. If he wanted to smell like roses, he’d already know that’s not optional.
When You’re Not the Hygiene Police
Calling him out like a two-dollar general won’t cut it. But if you’re his only functional limb keeping the disease at bay, you need armor. Use his own damn priorities. Tell him this straight:
"If you want to date, first you prove you can stop being a human petri dish. You wanna charm a woman? Start by not being the walking plague she’ll want to report to the CDC."
Give him a 72-hour countdown to clean up or lose access to shared living. Threaten to ban his ass from the family game night until he smells human again. That’s not nagging — that’s battlefield triage.
Wake-Up Call for the Sleepwalking Sperm Donor
When your partner jerks off in his sleep to strangers and expects you to swallow it like it’s your fault, you’ve got a silent coup on your hands. Don’t waste your breath trying to out-negotiate his subconscious. That’s not his problem — it’s his problem with boundaries. And you’ve got the hump of someone being used like a Fleshlight for his dream girl.
Decoding His Midnight Fantasies
First rule of war: never mistake a soldier’s target for his purpose. His dream girls aren’t the issue. The real problem is he uses you as a convenient outlet after getting off with his imaginary harem. That’s not love — that’s opportunism in a relationship. If he wants to jerk off in his sleep while you’re stuck as his wake-up proxy, you got a bigger problem than his imagination.
Take Your Power Back
Next time he wakes up hard as a sledgehammer because of his sleep-fueled tryst with "Ms. Dreamy," say this:
"Hit the shower or go jerk off in the closet. I’m not here to be your post-coital cleanup crew when your brain’s already with the neighbor’s wife."
Then, don’t let the issue fade into the background like it’s his prerogative. Bring it up like a grenade pin: "When you jerk off in sleep to some woman I’ve never met, then use me as your wake-up cock ring, it feels like I’m getting secondhand pleasure you already sampled in your head." Don’t flinch. Don’t beg. State facts like you’re testifying to a judge who’s decided enough is enough.
The Hard Truth: This Isn’t About Jealousy
You’re not the crazy one for being offended. But you are the crazy one if you think this is normal. Most people have boundaries tight enough that they don’t let their partner’s brain-fuck sleep sessions become a weekly date-night replacement. If he’s too scared to confront the fact that he’s living in a pornographic daydream every night, you’re just paying rent at his mental motel.
Now go back to the original article and make sure it’s burning a hole in his brain that he’s treating you like a human sex toy for his sleepwalking. Because if that’s his game, this is war. And you need to start winning it — or walking away like a general.